


Mute

by sassyandsodone



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Love Confessions, M/M, Pre-Canon, four plus one fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 22:38:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5683600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassyandsodone/pseuds/sassyandsodone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four Times Felix Bit His Tongue<br/>One Time He Didn’t</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mute

1

 

_You almost said it._

_You didn’t mean it or anything but you_ _almost did it._

It was your first time. With him that is. _Your real first time was ages ago. Which was part of the reason you stopped yourself. You knew what it meant to say it. You knew what sex meant. The two didn’t equate._

_You loved the act. The rush. And that wasn’t what you almost said. Though he did mean something to you._

_Not that much, obviously, no one ever meant that much to you. But he did mean more to you than all the other guys. You put actual effort into seducing him. You actually wanted_ **_him_ ** _. And he wasn't going to bed easy. It took you ages to seduce him. It was flirt after flirt for months. But it paid off in the end._

It was you and him together in bed. Your heart was racing, and your mouth was moving a mile a minute. You never could shut up, especially during sex. And that was when you almost said it.

The words bounced around on your tongue for a moment and the first word slipped out before you realized what you were about to say. You swallowed the rest of the phrase and tried to act cool.

“I...I needed this.”

 _You didn’t think he noticed. He never would; he sucked at reading people,_ _especially reading you._ You moved on and tried to forget about it but you couldn’t help but think about what you almost said as you lay awake.

You couldn’t believe you almost did that. You knew better. You knew better than to say something so personal, so emotional. You didn’t do emotion. You scolded yourself and rolled over.

_It wouldn’t happen again._

_But you almost said it while in bed with him for the first time._

 

2

 

_You almost said it._

_And this time, you weren’t sure if you meant it._

The war was over. You were just told you could all go home. He looked at you with hope in his eyes. _You’d both made it. You’d been through hell and you’d survived, together._

He picked you up; _you always hated when he did that but you could let it go this time_. He pulled you close and kissed you. He kissed you like he never had before.

You two were always rough. When you kissed, there was always blood; there was always lust. Your hands would be all over each other. People would turn away. You’d get a hickey on your neck; he’d get a bite mark on his. You’d pull his hair. He’d tell you to stop. That was how you two always kissed.

But this kiss was different. He was gentle with you. His hands held you not groped you. You felt a warmth not a heat.

You were so caught up in the strange sensation of his kiss. You adored the feeling. You **loved** the feeling. So you almost said it.

When he broke the kiss and you were looking into his eyes, you felt the words rising in your throat. _You wanted to say it. Say something to him._

“I...I can’t believe it.”

You swallowed the words.

You felt better not saying them. He didn’t need to hear that, and you didn’t even know if you meant them. But, dear God, you liked that kiss. And, dear God, you liked him.

You thought that maybe that was why you almost said it. You knew that you didn’t want to lose him. You knew you were about to lose him. You had no family, no friends, no one to return to after the war. He had a family, a life, a home. He had another world outside of combat; you didn’t.

_You didn’t want him to go, so you almost said it._

You pulled him back in for one of your normal kisses.

_Emotions were for the weak._

You bit down on his lip.

_You wouldn’t become weak._

He grabbed you.

_He couldn’t have your heart._

You pulled his hair.

 _You didn’t_ **_have_ ** _a heart._

You groped him.

_You tried to forget what you’d almost done. You tried to replace those warm feelings with hot ones._

_It wasn’t the time or the place; if there even was a time or place._

_But you almost said when the war ended._

 

3

 

_You almost said it._

_You needed to say something!_

You two were ready to part ways. You were heading to the New Republic; he was going to go to the Federal Army once you left. _You knew he could die. You knew you could die._

You looked at him in his armor as he sat waiting for you to leave. You approached him with a wicked smile hidden by your helmet. Not that he couldn’t tell. He knew you better than anyone. He looked up at you.

“Weren’t you leaving?”

Without being able to see any bit of him you knew he looked good.

“Maybe.”

You pulled off your helmet and sat on his lap. He groaned but removed his helmet as well.

You were right. He did look good. He always did. He was gorgeous. _And he was yours._

“You know, this is the last time we’ll be seeing each other for God knows how long?”

_And you were about to lose him. Oh God, you were losing him again._

“I am aware of that.”

_You’d be apart again._

“Well?”

_You needed him._

“Well what?”

_You hated being alone._

“Isn’t there anything you want to say?”

_Did he feel the same way?_

“Really, Felix?”

_Wait, how did you feel?_

You looked into his eyes. Your hand caressed his cheek. The words were coming back. You could feel them, again. You couldn’t let this happen. But, fucking God, did you want to say them. You wanted him to know.

“I...I swear to fucking God, you better not die or I’ll kill you.”

He sighed.

_It wasn’t what you wanted to say._

“Felix…”

_Could he tell?_

“And I mean it!” You tweaked his nose.

_Of course he couldn’t tell. It’s him!_

“I won’t.”

_He didn’t understand emotions either._

You kissed him as passionately you could. You tried to kiss away those words. Kiss away those feelings. You didn't need feelings. You had strength. You had ruthlessness. And you had him. And being apart wasn't going to change that. He would be yours forever.

You wondered what it was you were feeling. It couldn't be what you almost said. It was probably lust or desire to be in control. Still, it felt too warm for that.

You tried to kiss those thoughts, those warm feelings away. He liked what you two had. You liked what you had. Why drag feelings into it?

_You didn't need anything more._

_But you almost said it when going back to war._

 

_4_

 

_You almost said it._

_How could you not tell him?_

You waited what seemed like far too long beside that teleporter. He had to be alright. He had to come back. You’d been through way too much shit together to lose him to some “true warrior” bullshit.

Still, you were a mess. You couldn't fathom what you’d seen and you needed him. If he was with you then what you saw would mean nothing. It did mean nothing. It was bullshit. You didn't need some alien tech to tell you that you're strong. You knew it.

He emerged from the teleporter. _He was back. Thank God. You couldn't stand another minute with the feeling that thing had forced on you. You wanted to throw yourself on him. You wanted to know you’d be okay but you had an audience. Your soldiers were behind you and they didn't deserve to see your feelings._

“Locus.”

_Play it cool. Don't let them see what you feel._

“It’s about goddamn ti-”

He raised his gun.

_What the fuck? What the fuck did he see? Did he think it was real?_

You raised your gun in defense. “Hey!”

“What did you see?”

You contemplated for a moment. You hadn't seen him like this in ages. Whatever he saw, it fucked him up as much as it fucked you up.

“Calm down, asshole, you’re fine. It was an illusion, a trick.”

That was about as close to comforting as you got. He knew that but didn't respond like he did.

“What did you see?!”

Alone you might've told him. Might. But you weren’t alone. _There was no way he’d know you saw him._

 _“_ Hmpf. Well, if you must know, I didn't see a thing. I passed the test. Turns out I'm a true warrior.”

He lowered the gun. He didn't see that you were lying. He never could read you.  
“What?”

You lowered your gun. _End the games. He wasn’t not in the mood and honestly, neither were you._  
“Kidding. It was fucked. Saw shit straight out of my nightmares.”  
“Do you think this is a joke?”  
He was pissed. And only one thing could fix that: violent kinky sex. But that wasn't really an option.  
“No, but intel says we're out of time, so you can bitch about this later. Right now we need to move to Plan B.”

You could give him a moment to get his shit together. _Truth be told, you needed one too._

You turned the soldiers.

“Everyone, pack it up! Leave no trace we were here. I mean it, if I catch one thing left behind, someone's getting thrown off the Pelican!”  
You felt a bit better with that tiny display of power. Threatening someone’s life always made you feel better. But you had a sinking feeling in your stomach and it wasn't going away.

_You weren't scared…_

He looked back at the beam of light.

You wanted him away from that thing. That thing was bad news. That thing shook you to your goddamn core. You’d pull him away from it.  
“Hey!”

He looked at you. You felt the words coming back in your throat. _Now? Really?_

_Well, why not now? You needed him. He needed you. If you told him now...You could do it. It's three words._

“Get it together.”

_You hated yourself. You were a fucking coward. It was three fucking words to fix everything and you said something to make it worse._

_You knew why you weren't the “true warrior.” You were afraid of him. Afraid of telling him. Afraid of losing him. Afraid of driving him away. Afraid of one of you dying before he knows._

“True warrior.”

You headed on your way and didn't stop to talk to him. You would fix it later.

_You were a coward._

_You_ **_almost_ ** _said it._

 

+1

 

_This time is different._

“Locus, what are you doing? You're supposed to kill them!”

 _Not now. God, not now. You're pissed beyond your wildest dreams. You're cornered like a rat. You need him now more than ever._  
“No.”

 _No. No. This isn't real. This can't be real. He can't do this now. What did you do? What did you say?_  
“What?!”

 _How can you fix this? How can you change this?_  
“No more killing.”

 _God. You want to wake up. You need to wake up. If this is real..._  
“What are you talking about? You're a soldier, remember?!”

_You try and appeal to that other side of him. He has to listen to reason._

_What did you do?_

**_What_ ** _did you do?!_  
“I'm not a soldier. I'm a monster... like you.”

 _You never deny that. You are a monster. He knew that. Why is he saying it?_  
You stand up.

 _He has to listen._  
“Locus, we're…”

_Lovers_

“Partners. Survivors. We need each other.”

_You need him._

“Wh-what about our orders? Our reward?! Becoming the ultimate weapon.”  
_You need him to stay._  
“I'm not doing this for the reward.”

_Neither are you._

“I’m not doing this because someone told me to.”

_Neither are you._

“I'm doing this for me.”  
_You’re doing this for him._  
You sigh.

_Why?_

_Why?_

_What did you do?_

_How can you fix this?_

_What can you say?_

The right words build in you. _Now. You have to do it now! If you don't it’s over!_

“I LOVE YOU!!”

_You didn't mean to scream it, but you did._

**_You said it._ **

And his silence says everything. Everyone is silent.

He didn't expect you to say it.

You didn't expect **you** to say it.

But you did and you can't stop.

“I love you!”

_Once for your first time together._

“I fucking love you!”

_Twice for the end of the war._

“I have **_always_ ** loved you!”

 _Three times for the separation_.

“And I’ve **_only_ ** loved **_you_ **!”

 _Four times for the fears_.

“AND I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!”

 _Once more_.

_For him._

_And for you_.

 

He doesn't move. You catch your breath from all the yelling.

“Felix…”

It’s all he can say. But it took you so long to say it; how can you expect him to respond in a few seconds?

“I love you. For what it’s worth…”

You breathe again. But there's more you need to tell him.

“And no matter how this ends, I’ll love you. But for fuck’s sake, Locus, don't do this.”

_You did it. You finally did it. But is it too late?_

“Don’t let me fall, Locus.”

_Doesn’t matter._

**_You finally said it._ **

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my sister for editing this, and thanks to my cousin for giving me the name.


End file.
